I'll see you in the sewer, Darling

… And finally; here’s me doing my best impression of...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:33:58 +0000

… And finally; here’s me doing my best impression of Thom Yorke being asleep against a wall in 1992.

Here’s me being sexually gratified by a bunch of slags....

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:32:25 +0000

Here’s me being sexually gratified by a bunch of slags. I’ve take the liberty of cropping the photo in such a way that it preserves my dignity.

Here’s me looking at my best after my graduation. As you...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:30:18 +0000

Here’s me looking at my best after my graduation. As you can see, the pose I have opted for is of course “drunken spastic”.

Here’s me looking grainy reflecting on my troubled past.

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:28:20 +0000

Here’s me looking grainy reflecting on my troubled past.

Here’s a before and after shot of me with a...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:24:00 +0000

Here’s a before and after shot of me with a moustache.

Bye.

(Please Note: The picture on the left was warped slightly so my face looks noticeably larger than it does normally as found on the right.)

Just kidding, I’m a fucking machine. I can acheive anything just by processing my desires...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:17:21 +0000

Just kidding, I’m a fucking machine. I can acheive anything just by processing my desires using my super fast mother board software updated memory chip hard drive floppy disc port.

I’m not very good at Computer-based metaphors.

Photo

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:13:57 +0000

I hasten to add that it’s 5am and I can’t sleep. I manage to find even the most common...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:06:33 +0000

I hasten to add that it’s 5am and I can’t sleep. I manage to find even the most common issues personally offensive in this sort of situation. Happy New Year to you all. Enjoy the read.

The Age of the Lad.

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:04:46 +0000

I always find it personally distressing when I encounter “Lad Behaviour”. There’s something uniquely depressing about seeing a bunch of men trying so desperately to be non-chalant about doing something really fucking gay under the guise of “Laddish-ness”.

There is a person I know in particular who’s in his early 30’s, he’s a very pleasant and engaging individual I may add, but it’s how both he and a group of his old friends tend to interact whenever they meet which puts me off humanity. I have made it my life’s mission to never be within a mile of them when they’re together because the gay-as-fuck stories I have heard make their collective relationships seem more like a cult than a friendship.

They all have a tendency to strip off completely naked whenever they’re pissed. I genuinely can’t understand how they don’t perceive this as being immensely gay. They all go home after being pissed up and naked in the company of men and plough each of their individual girlfriends beyond recognition just to reset their skewed Gay polarity.

They constantly get their cock/balls out with more “LAD” points being awarded for the more public or awkward setting in which they are presented. Clubs, Dining rooms, family events… You know, the normal sorts of places.

They all have an insatiable desire to perform pranks to prove what a hilarious “LAD” they are, as if they live perpetually in the world’s most depressing episode of Jackass. Like when they all burnt each others’ pubic hair off during a house party. Where is either a) the comedy b) the purpose in burning off each other’s pubes? I don’t want to be within eye-shot of my friends’ John Thomas yet these chaps are willing to basically touch each others winkles so they can singe their curlies. I mean, come on, what the fuck?

All this fucking body alteration shite which seems to be comprehensively documented on Facebook: (Photo caption) “Here’s our mate. We shaved off his eyebrows and drew a swastika on his head. LOL” Admittedly, it’s funny from an outside point of view, I piss myself laughing when I see them, only because it’s such a poetic deprecation of a group of fucking idiots. A friend is a person you’re meant to be fond of and respect; being openly and intentionally degraded in such a manner by people you spend a lot of time with just confuses me. It’s never happened to me either, this could be because either a) I have good friends b) they’re acutely aware of how badly I’d take it.

The individual with no eyebrows and a swastika emblazoned on their forehead wakes up the following morning, on a couch. They sleepily stagger across the floor trying to navigate the pile of takeaway boxes and empty cans of Fosters to void their bladder of concentrated lager syrup. Finally they reach the bathroom, strain out that syrupy hangover piss, yawn and wipe their eyes and catch a glimpse of themselves in the mirror. How can they react in any other way than fury? If that was me I’d just fucking shoot the cunts responsible. It then dawns on him that he has to suppress his rage and just accept that it’s part of socialising with such a bunch of hapless miscreants. Given the victim’s absence of any endearing personal traits they realise that they exist in this depressing, mutually-insulting symbiotic relationship and they have no alternative but to tolerate it unless they wish to be a loner. Like an elderly alcoholic and abusive couple.

That’s what it essentially boils down too, it’s just a collective group of fucking idiots who are too scared to acknowledge that other people’s behaviour is abhorrent. Tolerance will result in conformity and before you know it, a bunch of lads are tea-bagging the poor member of the group who made the mistake of falling asleep first. People like this need to realise that this sort of primitive homo-erotic point-scoring is not only unhealthy, but is detrimental to human evolution.

Here’s to the tea-baggers.

Oh, thet Bridish sinse of hughmore!

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 21:14:00 +0000

Stupid American

No amount of contrast adjustment and photo brightening will make you look less fat. So pack it in.

Sun, 12 Dec 2010 17:15:19 +0000

Topless Maverick

Sun, 12 Dec 2010 17:14:16 +0000

TRICK people into thinking you’re Orville by singing about your desire to fly and sitting on...

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 20:27:00 +0000

TRICK people into thinking you’re Orville by singing about your desire to fly and sitting on Keith Harris’ fist

This is absolutely amazing. It’s up in my top 10 comedy...

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:28:26 +0000

This is absolutely amazing. It’s up in my top 10 comedy moments, genuinely.

Stoppit and Tidyup I think this is the primary reason for my...

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:23:00 +0000

Stoppit and Tidyup

I think this is the primary reason for my obsession with psychedelia. I’ve got hazy memories of watching this as a Sapling but I couldn’t remember anything except images or characters. Anyway, I saw a picture as a profile picture on Facebook ‘cos of that paedo thing over the weekend and here I am. My actual childhood is back. Shame that it’s so inextricably linked with that facebook paedo thing, now.

"Threesomes are Gay" Scientists suggest

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 22:53:56 +0000

Scientists have today announced that it is impossible for any Threesome to take place without at least 2 of the members involved being ‘a bit gay’. This has came as a surprise to many ultra-macho jocks who have taken part in the bad type of Threesome. One over-toned mong commented: “I had one a few years ago with a girl I met at the gym and she asked if I knew anyone who would want to get involved so I asked a friend of mine and he agreed. If I didn’t live in such a moral vacuum I’d probably realise it was heinous to have sex in the presence of my friend and that watching mine and my friend’s cock basically touch each other was quite gay. Alas, I am, so I just think it’s proper cool and rad and loads of other superlatives and I’d also like to point out that I can totally still look my friend in the eye and not feel despicable.”

The report has went against the accepted attitudes that Threesomes, in any form, are totally not gay and that they are really cool. “If there’re are two girls involved, then it just means that the girls are a bit gay; which is obviously cool. But when there are two erect Penises involved, that is definitely gay. If you can maintain an erection and happily ejaculate whilst a man with a massive hard-on is 3 feet away it must be accepted that you’re a bit of a bender.”

There has been outrage from the Men-who-have-taken-part-in-non-good-threesomes, but the scientists have been quick to defend their findings by saying “I’m not taking criticism like this from an in-denial bum-troubler.”

Self indulging Advertisement

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:14:40 +0100

People who have a Facebook photo album entitled ‘Me’ which is basically a collection of 100+ GPOYs, taken by yourself should be chemically castrated.

Ian Holloway is patient; Ian Holloway is kindand envies no...

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 19:56:00 +0100

Ian Holloway is patient; Ian Holloway is kind
and envies no one.
Ian Holloway is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing Ian Holloway cannot face;
There is no limit to his faith,
his hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and Ian Holloway;
but the greatest of them all is Ian Holloway.

Golden Oppurtunity to offend stranger MISSED

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 19:04:20 +0100

I live in a flat in Newcastle and there’s a flat upstairs whose tenants are utter tossers. They constantly have shit music (Snow Patrol on a Friday night before they go out? What the fuck is that about?) blasting at unsociable hours. My flat isn’t exactly innocent, ‘cos my flatmates generally make dicks of themselves at 5 in the morning by shouting/ singing/ dancing/ crying whenever they’ve been out so I can’t really have a go at them, as we’re the same.

The point remains that they get on my tits, they’re docile Raaa’s (Middle-class bumpkins with a blinkered world view). Anyway, our door is right next to the door to upstairs and occasionally there are mix-ups and people will knock on our door when they want upstairs and vice versa. This happened today, but usually they cotton on to their own idiocy after a moment or two and I don’t have to answer the door. (I just want to point out that I’m not aggrophobic, I don’t answer the door because 9 people out of 10 that come to my house don’t show up unannounced and they let themselves in anyway; so when there is a knock on the door I make the assumption that it’s either a shitty Salesman or some dickhead for upstairs and, consequently, don’t answer it)

As I was saying, someone knocked at our door and as usual I ignored it, but they persisted for a good 5 minutes. I eventually decided that I’d have to go and put the mong out of his misery and tell him he’s got the wrong house. I went to the door and was greeted by some wavy-haired gonk that looked like Abercrombie and Fitch had vomited all over him.

He asked “Is Kit in?”

I replied “No.”

“Well, do you know where he is?” he incredulously enquired.

“Well, I don’t know who he is. So No.” I responded.

It was here that the golden oppurtunity to be branded as a fucking genius was missed. I should have replied: “I think he’s fighting crime in the 80’s with David Hasselhoff.” But I didn’t. As soon as I closed the door, it came to me… alas I was too late. And the joke will forever be resigned to the ‘could-have-been’ section of stinging put-downs.

gpoy

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:28:33 +0100

gpoy