TRICK people into thinking you’re Orville by singing about your desire to fly and sitting on Keith Harris’ fist

Scientists have today announced that it is impossible for any Threesome to take place without at least 2 of the members involved being ‘a bit gay’. This has came as a surprise to many ultra-macho jocks who have taken part in the bad type of Threesome. One over-toned mong commented: “I had one a few years ago with a girl I met at the gym and she asked if I knew anyone who would want to get involved so I asked a friend of mine and he agreed. If I didn’t live in such a moral vacuum I’d probably realise it was heinous to have sex in the presence of my friend and that watching mine and my friend’s cock basically touch each other was quite gay. Alas, I am, so I just think it’s proper cool and rad and loads of other superlatives and I’d also like to point out that I can totally still look my friend in the eye and not feel despicable.”

The report has went against the accepted attitudes that Threesomes, in any form, are totally not gay and that they are really cool. “If there’re are two girls involved, then it just means that the girls are a bit gay; which is obviously cool. But when there are two erect Penises involved, that is definitely gay. If you can maintain an erection and happily ejaculate whilst a man with a massive hard-on is 3 feet away it must be accepted that you’re a bit of a bender.”

There has been outrage from the Men-who-have-taken-part-in-non-good-threesomes, but the scientists have been quick to defend their findings by saying “I’m not taking criticism like this from an in-denial bum-troubler.”

People who have a Facebook photo album entitled ‘Me’ which is basically a collection of 100+ GPOYs, taken by yourself should be chemically castrated. 

I live in a flat in Newcastle and there’s a flat upstairs whose tenants are utter tossers. They constantly have shit music (Snow Patrol on a Friday night before they go out? What the fuck is that about?) blasting at unsociable hours. My flat isn’t exactly innocent, ‘cos my flatmates generally make dicks of themselves at 5 in the morning by shouting/ singing/ dancing/ crying whenever they’ve been out so I can’t really have a go at them, as we’re the same.

The point remains that they get on my tits, they’re docile Raaa’s (Middle-class bumpkins with a blinkered world view). Anyway, our door is right next to the door to upstairs and occasionally there are mix-ups and people will knock on our door when they want upstairs and vice versa. This happened today, but usually they cotton on to their own idiocy after a moment or two and I don’t have to answer the door. (I just want to point out that I’m not aggrophobic, I don’t answer the door because 9 people out of 10 that come to my house don’t show up unannounced and they let themselves in anyway; so when there is a knock on the door I make the assumption that it’s either a shitty Salesman or some dickhead for upstairs and, consequently, don’t answer it)

As I was saying, someone knocked at our door and as usual I ignored it, but they persisted for a good 5 minutes. I eventually decided that I’d have to go and put the mong out of his misery and tell him he’s got the wrong house. I went to the door and was greeted by some wavy-haired gonk that looked like Abercrombie and Fitch had vomited all over him.

He asked “Is Kit in?”

I replied “No.”

“Well, do you know where he is?” he incredulously enquired.

“Well, I don’t know who he is. So No.” I responded.

It was here that the golden oppurtunity to be branded as a fucking genius was missed. I should have replied: “I think he’s fighting crime in the 80’s with David Hasselhoff.” But I didn’t. As soon as I closed the door, it came to me… alas I was too late. And the joke will forever be resigned to the ‘could-have-been’ section of stinging put-downs.