I live in a flat in Newcastle and there’s a flat upstairs whose tenants are utter tossers. They constantly have shit music (Snow Patrol on a Friday night before they go out? What the fuck is that about?) blasting at unsociable hours. My flat isn’t exactly innocent, ‘cos my flatmates generally make dicks of themselves at 5 in the morning by shouting/ singing/ dancing/ crying whenever they’ve been out so I can’t really have a go at them, as we’re the same.
The point remains that they get on my tits, they’re docile Raaa’s (Middle-class bumpkins with a blinkered world view). Anyway, our door is right next to the door to upstairs and occasionally there are mix-ups and people will knock on our door when they want upstairs and vice versa. This happened today, but usually they cotton on to their own idiocy after a moment or two and I don’t have to answer the door. (I just want to point out that I’m not aggrophobic, I don’t answer the door because 9 people out of 10 that come to my house don’t show up unannounced and they let themselves in anyway; so when there is a knock on the door I make the assumption that it’s either a shitty Salesman or some dickhead for upstairs and, consequently, don’t answer it)
As I was saying, someone knocked at our door and as usual I ignored it, but they persisted for a good 5 minutes. I eventually decided that I’d have to go and put the mong out of his misery and tell him he’s got the wrong house. I went to the door and was greeted by some wavy-haired gonk that looked like Abercrombie and Fitch had vomited all over him.
He asked “Is Kit in?”
I replied “No.”
“Well, do you know where he is?” he incredulously enquired.
“Well, I don’t know who he is. So No.” I responded.
It was here that the golden oppurtunity to be branded as a fucking genius was missed. I should have replied: “I think he’s fighting crime in the 80’s with David Hasselhoff.” But I didn’t. As soon as I closed the door, it came to me… alas I was too late. And the joke will forever be resigned to the ‘could-have-been’ section of stinging put-downs.