Just kidding, I’m a fucking machine. I can acheive anything just by processing my desires using my super fast mother board software updated memory chip hard drive floppy disc port.

I’m not very good at Computer-based metaphors.

I hasten to add that it’s 5am and I can’t sleep. I manage to find even the most common issues personally offensive in this sort of situation. Happy New Year to you all. Enjoy the read.

I always find it personally distressing when I encounter “Lad Behaviour”. There’s something uniquely depressing about seeing a bunch of men trying so desperately to be non-chalant about doing something really fucking gay under the guise of “Laddish-ness”.

There is a person I know in particular who’s in his early 30’s, he’s a very pleasant and engaging individual I may add, but it’s how both he and a group of his old friends tend to interact whenever they meet which puts me off humanity. I have made it my life’s mission to never be within a mile of them when they’re together because the gay-as-fuck stories I have heard make their collective relationships seem more like a cult than a friendship.

• They all have a tendency to strip off completely naked whenever they’re pissed. I genuinely can’t understand how they don’t perceive this as being immensely gay. They all go home after being pissed up and naked in the company of men and plough each of their individual girlfriends beyond  recognition just to reset their skewed Gay polarity.

• They constantly get their cock/balls out with more “LAD” points being awarded for the more public or awkward setting in which they are presented. Clubs, Dining rooms, family events… You know, the normal sorts of places.

• They all have an insatiable desire to perform pranks to prove what a hilarious “LAD” they are, as if they live perpetually in the world’s most depressing episode of Jackass. Like when they all burnt each others’ pubic hair off during a house party. Where is either a) the comedy b) the purpose in burning off each other’s pubes? I don’t want to be within eye-shot of my friends’ John Thomas yet these chaps are willing to basically touch each others winkles so they can singe their curlies. I mean, come on, what the fuck?

All this fucking body alteration shite which seems to be comprehensively documented on Facebook: (Photo caption) “Here’s our mate. We shaved off his eyebrows and drew a swastika on his head. LOL” Admittedly, it’s funny from an outside point of view, I piss myself laughing when I see them, only because it’s such a poetic deprecation of a group of fucking idiots. A friend is a person you’re meant to be fond of and respect; being openly and intentionally degraded in such a manner by people you spend a lot of time with just confuses me. It’s never happened to me either, this could be because either a) I have good friends b) they’re acutely aware of how badly I’d take it.

The individual with no eyebrows and a swastika emblazoned on their forehead wakes up the following morning, on a couch. They sleepily stagger across the floor trying to navigate the pile of takeaway boxes and empty cans of Fosters to void their bladder of concentrated lager syrup. Finally they reach the bathroom, strain out that syrupy hangover piss, yawn and wipe their eyes and catch a glimpse of themselves in the mirror. How can they react in any other way than fury? If that was me I’d just fucking shoot the cunts responsible. It then dawns on him that he has to suppress his rage and just accept that it’s part of socialising with such a bunch of hapless miscreants. Given the victim’s absence of any endearing personal traits they realise that they exist in this depressing, mutually-insulting symbiotic relationship and they have no alternative but to tolerate it unless they wish to be a loner. Like an elderly alcoholic and abusive couple.

That’s what it essentially boils down too, it’s just a collective group of fucking idiots who are too scared to acknowledge that other people’s behaviour is abhorrent. Tolerance will result in conformity and before you know it, a bunch of lads are tea-bagging the poor member of the group who made the mistake of falling asleep first. People like this need to realise that this sort of primitive homo-erotic point-scoring is not only unhealthy, but is detrimental to human evolution.

Here’s to the tea-baggers.

Stupid American